Onward soldier March 2021

I had not realised how little I sit still. I had not realise how much of my self esteem or worth is based on how much i have done in a day. I am not able to do anything much. I have a "grabber" a thin metal pole with a trigger on one end and a pair of pinching, grabbing claws at the other end so I can get items off the floor without bending down. Bending down and back up always results in a large amount of pain and often breathlessness so I am trying to avoid it as much as possible. Similarly if I walk (particularly down stairs) without being mindful and "holding my tummy muscles" I have a similar reaction. I nearly always have to sit down for some minutes if I do get up.

I am a selfish person in some ways, but this has not meant I have looked after myself very well, it seems. Apart from the fear or worry that my diet and stress caused my own undoing, especially this second major surgery - I have not made my body work enough in the cardio sense to prepare it for this process or to meet other challenges in life. I dont need to be skinny or "hot" but I do need my body to function well enough for me to achieve my goals and dreams.

Neural pathways are a funny thing. They are the way our brain develops - sticking to well trodden, even habitual paths of behaviour. It could be how we walk, how we pronounce words, how we think of ourselves if we make a mistake and so on. Do you think, when you make a mistkae "God im stupid, how hopeless, sorry". I do and in many wyas as I have time to reflect on my mum's passing just 3 months ago - she taught me that. She talked that way to herself and others. We kids all have had difficulties with our self image and worth and I think that though Mum loved us very much, she was only a kid herself when I was conceived (the eldest of 6 pregnancies, 5 surviving children). She hadnt had time to sort her self image and talk out and so we also got little training in that regard.

One good side effect of my illnesses has been my signing up for plenty of psychiatric help and psychology appointments and finding and developing tools such as mindfulness. It is incredibly helpful as I basically get stripped back to being able to do nothing at all - I hope I can rebuild with better habits, selk esteem and self talk and of course actions.